Arj0612's Blog

This is the new year… the change

Adrienne — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 04:54:58 +0000

It’s Jan 4th and I’ve finally come up with a New Years resolution… which really shouldn’t have been hard considering there are a million things that I could work on or need to change. But that’s just it… I need change… so why go down the same path of deciding on a resolution that might last a week?

In the past I’ve said I was going to lose weight (which I’ve yet to even start on…), make all A’s, never skip a class, be more cautious about how I spend money, and even learn to play the guitar that’s been sitting in the corner of my room for a few years. It’s almost like I make these goals for myself but in the back of my mind I’m laughing because I know it will never happen…I’ve very pessimistic about this I must say. This year really is a time for change… and for once I don’t find myself making some exaggerated leap and laughing at myself. So, i’ve decided that my 2011 resolution is to actually stick to my goal of making changes. In order for me to stick to these changes things must be much less drastic and far fetch, and reachable yet challenging.

In less than a week I’ll return to school…which also means my head will be stuck in a book for the next 5 months. With that comes stress, sleepless nights, and lack of a social life. This past semester taught me a lot about myself, especially academically. During those long, sometimes torturous 16 weeks I learned how to study ( a few years too late…don’t judge me ), discovered my passion, grown away from what used to be the best of friends, and made new ones. I realized that I’m horrible with how I handle stress and need to find a new outlet to release it all, and I realized that I have the biggest support system that I could ever ask for.

This past year I’ve let many people in and out of my life, some for the best and some not so much. I’ve kept myself from trusting basically anyone and I just want to trust again. I want to let people in and not think twice about what their intentions really are or even who they really are. I’ve let a lot of things go and just brushed them off, and I’ve given the benefit of the doubt to people that really don’t deserve it… and for once, I am not going to settle for anything less than I deserve.

So within this “change” in 2011, I will work on myself emotionally, physically, and intellectually. I’m making a promise to myself and to my girlfriend, family, and friends to not let the stress from school to interfere with my relationships. I’m making a promise to live a healthier lifestyle and only grow emotionally…not physically (I’ve done enough of that). There will be no more half-assing anything or excuses. This will be my year… and either you stand by me, or you don’t.

Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right. ~Oprah Winfrey

This is your life… are you who you want to be?

Adrienne — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 01:30:07 +0000

So, I've got to start doing things for me. I need to stop worrying about everyone else and do what's best for myself. Lately, I've been so wrapped up in everyone and everything else and I feel like I've fallen into some black hole and don't know how to get out. My life seems to be headed in a direction that I never thought it would go, and I don't know what to think about. The last thing I want to do is disappoint my family but I feel like it's too late for that. All I want is to have a path and stick to it, and I have done everything but that.

I'm really hoping that when I get back to Greensboro, everything will almost fall into place. The motivation that I've been lacking this semester is somewhere inside of me and I need to dig it back out....quickly. Each week I look forward to the weekend so that I can go HOME. When I can go back to the people who really matter and who have been there through thick and thin. When I can be myself and not have a worry in the world, except dreading the day I have to head back to G-Ville. The drive to and from Greensboro seems to be getting longer and longer and the weeks are dragging on... Something needs to change. In less than a month I'll be back in Greensboro for good. I know that things will be different and not necessarily the most fun at first, but it will be well worth it. I am willing to do whatever it takes to turn things around and feel like I'm actually taking steps forward and not walking around in this never ending circle.

These are supposed to be the best days of my life and right now they are only the best "weekends" of my life. I seem to have lost interest in anything but my friends and that's not how it's supposed to be. My family still means the world to me, but I feel like I'm straying farther and farther away from them and I miss them. It's nobody's fault but mine and only I can turn it around, I just don't really know where to start.


This isn't like me at all. I no longer have the drive for so many things that I once cared so much about. I've dug myself a hole so deep with my grades and I don't know how to get out, I've been so apathetic about things that really matter, and I'm pushing people away that are only trying to help.
I've gotten to where I trust no one and don't let many people in at all. Very few people know anything about what's going on inside my head and some of the most important people in my life are left out in the dark with no clue. Honestly, I don't know what all is going on in my head and I've got a lot of soul searching to do in order to figure it out. I just want to know that I'm going somewhere...that I'm not falling into some trap. A wake up call is really what I need, something is missing and i need to open my eyes and really figure out what that is.
So yeah I've rambled on about a bunch of stuff that is somewhat unrelated but I had to get it out somehow....even if it is extremely unorganized

There Will be a Day..

Adrienne — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 14:46:46 +0000

So things have been kind of rough lately. I’m down, stressed, worried, scared, mad…all at the same time. I’ve come to my breaking point and have realized that something needs to change.
I don’t have a bad life by any means. I’m just having a hard time getting over the obstacles placed in front of me. My emotions are getting the best of me and as strong as I am trying to be, I can’t do this alone. There really is no need to come out and go on and on about what’s going on, the only thing that matters is that I can’t, and will not keep on like this and it’s time to go through the motions. Just within the past few days I have learned a lot and really opened up my eyes to what really matters. I’ve broken down and let out everything that’s been going on inside my head that I have held on to for so long now. Many people have never seen me shed a tear and those who have, know that it doesn’t happen often.
Everyone eventually reaches their breaking point and it’s completely normal, this time it just caught me off-guard. After a few conversations with people I felt somewhat better, but heard the same thing over and over again. What I need is faith, and recently, it’s been non-existent. This is all in his hands, out of my control…
Onto a more positive note, I’m so lucky for what I do have. I’ve taken so many things for granted and never really taken the time to step back and say “things could be much worse”. I have some of the best friends I could ask for who would do anything for me, I have a family who has had my back through thick and thin. I’m healthy (for the most part), in school, have a job, a steady place to live.. what more could I honestly ask for? What’s meant to be will find a way .. I know that’s cliche and all but it’s true. There isn’t time to stress and worry about the little things…. god I wish I could take my own advice.

Anyway, Kind of sick of writing for now… i’ll finish later.

Curveballs

Adrienne — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 17:42:30 +0000

“Life throws you curve balls, but you either learn to swerve them or hit them like there is no tomorrow. “

We’ve all heard about life throwing us curve balls. It happens to the best of us and sometimes, even the greatest can’t adjust. Say you’re up to the plate and the pitcher winds up and slings a nasty curve ball your way. What do you do? The ball was only a hair away from nailing you in your gut…an eye opener huh? Do you step back, re-adjust the situation, and step back up to the plate? Do you stand there hoping the next pitch will be different?

Say you step back and re-adjust yourself.. you then take the chance of either getting out whether it be through contact or striking out, you take the chance of successfully making contact and earning your spot on base, you get walked and that base is handed to you, or the ball hits you and you’re awarded a base, just with consequences.

If you stand there and expect something different from the pitcher, be ready to move out of the way. You know that same pitch could be coming at any minute and what you do with it is all up to you. Either you really will get nailed in the gut while the pitcher looks back at you with that ” Should have learned the first time” mentality or you do something about it.

Life is full of curve balls in many shapes and forms, but what will you do when that pitch comes your way?

I saw it coming all along… so why am I surprised at where this ended up? I’m stubborn and vulnerable and needed to follow my head and not my heart from the start. I stood there while that nasty curve grazed my gut over and over again. Eventually, I stepped back to get a better view… and prevented myself from the pain before it happened. I’ve played the defensive role for way too long..it’s time for me make something happen.

Thing’s aren’t the best right now, but they are definitely looking up… in some aspects. Out of nowhere, someone comes and knocks me off my feet. Helped me realize what’s important and what I really deserve. You can’t sit there and watch things happen..You can’t pity yourself because of that obstacle blocking your path. Starting today, I’m going to really try to take things for what they are. No more feeling down like nothing is going my way, because that’s not the case. I’m truly blessed with the opportunities that have been placed in front of me, the backbone and support that surrounds me, and the future that’s ahead of me. There is no time to dwell on what could have been or constantly wish things are something they aren’t. The people who mean the most to me are constantly by my side and those who are not, aren’t meant to be there in the fist place. I’ve learned to not listen to what people say because I know better. It’s going to take more than pulling words out of your butt to hurt my feelings. The more I look at what I have right in front of me, that more I appreciate the life I lead. I’m a lucky girl and there are so many other people out there who can’t say the same.

so, my theory is :
Life throws you curve balls, so learn how to swing…and not miss

Check this out…

http://www.blinkx.com/video/bad-news-bears-clip-screwball/4fqpuqtYBzI4GCQ1U9o2ag

Something new?

Adrienne — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 16:53:39 +0000

So, I guess I’m going to jump on the bandwagon and get one of these blogs that everyone else seems to have.

Lately, my mind has been going crazy. I’ve reached so many forks in the road and the hard part isn’t choosing which way to go, it’s figuring out where to go once i’m lost. I need to go through and pick out all the weeds that are holding me back from where I want to go and what I want to be. There seems to be so many obvious solutions as to what I should do, but since when have I been the one to do things the easy way?…why start now?

Here I am, 180 miles east of where I truely feel my heart belongs. I’m not saying it was a mistake to go away and I’m not saying that I regret it, but something is missing. Maybe it’s comfort, maybe it’s feeling wanted…either way, this isn’t what I want nor what I wanted. I’ve asked myself what I really want, and I can’t come up with much. My life is back in Greensboro and I took advantage of what I had. It wasn’t until I got the job with AmeriCorps and was told I had a week to pack up and head out that it really hit me… I didn’t want to come in the first place. It never helps moving to a new town with a negative attitude but somethings are hard to avoid. Apparently everything that I thought I wanted, was far from reality.

Nothing against East Carolina as a whole, but on a more personal level, it’s not for me. I thought this “Pirate Nation” was my idea of the true college experience… but I was wrong, once again. It’s purple & gold everywhere…pirates, skulls and crossbones rule this town. I was overwhelmed with the pride within the town and I loved it. Sold out football games, parties everywhere, a full wardrobe of ECU gear, late nights and early..hungover..mornings were my idea of “the best years of your life”. It’s a college town without a doubt but it’s a little much for me. I’m not all about the partying 24/7 and I’m definitely not all about my professors making me feel as if I’m on the road to being another statistic, whether referring to the drop out rate or STD’s. Reallll professional LET ME TELL YOU.

I miss home, not gonna lie. Yes, I’m comparing everything to what I’ve left behind and it’s going to create a negative impact on Greenville but it is what it is. Enough about ECU…

Being here has helped me realize who really matters, and who never did. I’m learning now to let go of the people who cause more harm than good and focus on the important things. Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you, and let go of the rest. People get hurt, emotions go wild, and sometimes it feels like the world is crashing down on you, but life goes on.

“And I take the first step of a million more.
And I’ll make mistakes I’ve never made before.
But at least I’m moving forward”

I’m done rambling..but maybe I’ll update later.