This is your life… are you who you want to be?

So, I've got to start doing things for me. I need to stop worrying about everyone else and do what's best for myself. Lately, I've been so wrapped up in everyone and everything else and I feel like I've fallen into some black hole and don't know how to get out. My life seems to be headed in a direction that I never thought it would go, and I don't know what to think about. The last thing I want to do is disappoint my family but I feel like it's too late for that. All I want is to have a path and stick to it, and I have done everything but that.

I'm really hoping that when I get back to Greensboro, everything will almost fall into place. The motivation that I've been lacking this semester is somewhere inside of me and I need to dig it back out....quickly. Each week I look forward to the weekend so that I can go HOME. When I can go back to the people who really matter and who have been there through thick and thin. When I can be myself and not have a worry in the world, except dreading the day I have to head back to G-Ville. The drive to and from Greensboro seems to be getting longer and longer and the weeks are dragging on... Something needs to change. In less than a month I'll be back in Greensboro for good. I know that things will be different and not necessarily the most fun at first, but it will be well worth it. I am willing to do whatever it takes to turn things around and feel like I'm actually taking steps forward and not walking around in this never ending circle.

These are supposed to be the best days of my life and right now they are only the best "weekends" of my life. I seem to have lost interest in anything but my friends and that's not how it's supposed to be. My family still means the world to me, but I feel like I'm straying farther and farther away from them and I miss them. It's nobody's fault but mine and only I can turn it around, I just don't really know where to start.

This isn't like me at all. I no longer have the drive for so many things that I once cared so much about. I've dug myself a hole so deep with my grades and I don't know how to get out, I've been so apathetic about things that really matter, and I'm pushing people away that are only trying to help.

I've gotten to where I trust no one and don't let many people in at all. Very few people know anything about what's going on inside my head and some of the most important people in my life are left out in the dark with no clue. Honestly, I don't know what all is going on in my head and I've got a lot of soul searching to do in order to figure it out. I just want to know that I'm going somewhere...that I'm not falling into some trap. A wake up call is really what I need, something is missing and i need to open my eyes and really figure out what that is.

So yeah I've rambled on about a bunch of stuff that is somewhat unrelated but I had to get it out somehow....even if it is extremely unorganized

 

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